Handsome man who rides in to save me, I’m ready
for all manner of rewarding. I have kept
this pressed handkerchief scented with the most precious
of exotic oils in the fold of my sleeve. I’m going
to drop it. I’m going to thank you so hard — oh, oh,
no, I did not mean – of course, of course, certain standards,
protocols, I only meant — Absolutely.
Let’s start again. Handsome man
who rides in to save me, I’m ready
to step down from this post to which a dragon
has tied me, despite a total lack of opposable thumbs,
and swoon into your arms like this,
see how limp? I’ve been working on my lax
muscle tone, I’ve been flexing my can’ts
and helpless cries, just last month I
couldn’t escape from a blanket I awakened under,
it took hours, that’s how good
I damsel. Handsome man who rides in to save me,
I have been watching you from atop this hill
as you fought your way past that wild boar
which may have been a hog and that wall of thorns
which may have been a hedge, and that witch
who wanted you to be kind to old women but you showed her
what was what. You have conquered young and old,
and my heart, handsome man who rides in to save me,
you’ve truly — oh, I see, this is more of a platonic
sort of rescue, you’re more in it for the prestige.
You and The Black Knight have a competition — uh huh.
Right. Ok. No, it’s fine. It’s fine.
Handsome man who rides in to save me — look, I get it,
there’s no need to be a dick about it, Handsome man who rides
in to save me, not all of us were born pretty. Some of us
have had to cultivate a personality. Uh huh. Uh huh. Sure.
I bet she said that. I bet you’ve got a lot of high ratings
from other princesses. You know what? You know what,
handsome man who rides into save me? I think I’m just going
to stay here. Yeah. With the dragon.
I’m just going to swoon by myself. Look at me
swooooooooning. Yeah. Like that. Like that? That’s right.
That’s right. Ride away. That’s what you’re good at. Ride away!about the author