Handsome Man

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Handsome man who rides in to save me, I’m ready

                    for all manner of rewarding. I have kept

this pressed handkerchief scented with the most precious

                    of exotic oils in the fold of my sleeve. I’m going

to drop it. I’m going to thank you so hard — oh, oh,

no, I did not mean – of course, of course, certain standards,

                    protocols, I only meant — Absolutely.

Let’s start again. Handsome man

                    who rides in to save me, I’m ready

to step down from this post to which a dragon

has tied me, despite a total lack of opposable thumbs,

                    and swoon into your arms like this,

see how limp? I’ve been working on my lax

                    muscle tone, I’ve been flexing my can’ts

and helpless cries, just last month I

couldn’t escape from a blanket I awakened under,

                    it took hours, that’s how good

I damsel. Handsome man who rides in to save me,

                    I have been watching you from atop this hill

as you fought your way past that wild boar

which may have been a hog and that wall of thorns

                    which may have been a hedge, and that witch

who wanted you to be kind to old women but you showed her

                    what was what. You have conquered young and old,

and my heart, handsome man who rides in to save me,

you’ve truly — oh, I see, this is more of a platonic

                    sort of rescue, you’re more in it for the prestige.

You and The Black Knight have a competition — uh huh.

                    Right. Ok. No, it’s fine. It’s fine.

Handsome man who rides in to save me — look, I get it,

there’s no need to be a dick about it, Handsome man who rides

                    in to save me, not all of us were born pretty. Some of us

have had to cultivate a personality. Uh huh. Uh huh. Sure.

                    I bet she said that. I bet you’ve got a lot of high ratings

from other princesses. You know what? You know what,

handsome man who rides into save me? I think I’m just going

                    to stay here. Yeah. With the dragon.

I’m just going to swoon by myself. Look at me

          swooooooooning. Yeah. Like that. Like that? That’s right.

That’s right. Ride away. That’s what you’re good at. Ride away!