Marrying Welcome to Hell

Erik Bitsui

Venom’s 1981 debut album Welcome to Hell is so good, man. In fact, I’d marry Welcome to Hell — oh hell yeah, I’d do it! But the first problem I see is I’m already married! I’ll have to ask my wife who’ll probably tell me to get lost! But I think she’d understand, right? She knows how much I like Welcome to Hell.

Venom, an English black metal band, is pretty cool. I like their look, their style and their sound. And Venom doesn’t care what other people think — Welcome to Hell makes an unmistakable point which I totally respect. Venom does their job which may not please everyone and may offend a lot of people but many of their enemies are my enemies too. Because of this we, myself and Welcome to Hell, are a well-suited match because we have similar interests for a great marriage.

And what kind of spouse would Welcome to Hell be? We’d probably have fantastic times at HIGH volume and energy with booze and drugs flowing in and out of loud mouths. But in anger we’d fight epic battles as we would call upon all the supernatural powers and forces to punish our beloved spouse. But we’d make up somehow like all couples do because I couldn’t live without Welcome to Hell.

But I’d still marry Welcome to Hell — I think.

I wish I could walk hand-in-hand with Welcome to Hell and tell everyone how much we loved each other but we probably wouldn’t. I alone would talk privately of how much I loved Welcome to Hell and end up wishing things were a bit different. Hell, for all I know Welcome to Hell will go on without me and marry someone else — sheesh, that’s a tough one. But I know myself enough to say I’d stick with Welcome to Hell as long as possible and make our marriage work.

So why marry Welcome to Hell? That album makes me feel great, dude. And it doesn’t take much for the album to turn me on and get me loose for major moving and grooving. Welcome to Hell nourishes me every time I blast it. The dearly beloved album is always on my mind providing an internal soundtrack. I can’t walk around or do much without Welcome to Hell at my side anyway. I have become Welcome to Hell.

So how would this marriage take place? I’d have to tell my in-laws as well as my own family, friends and colleagues — and they’d lose their minds! I’d have to quickly make an argument of why I needed to complete this union between Navajo man and seminal album. In the end, I would have to defend my new spouse as well as my own actions.

Nevertheless, as a traditional Navajo man, Welcome to Hell and I would have a traditional Navajo wedding ceremony inside a Navajo hogan. On our wedding day, seated on the north side of the hogan would be my family, SLAYER, Anthrax, Megadeth and Metallica. And seated on the south side of the hogan would be Welcome to Hell in all forms: the LP, the CD, the audio cassette, all imports, B-sides, re-issues, singles and an 8-track cassette.

In the ceremony, Welcome to Hell would have to pour water over my hands. And I would pour water over the hands of Welcome to Hell. This action performed to cleanse the other of their past. Then Welcome to Hell and I would feed each other blue corn mush — wait, where would Welcome to Hell’s hands and mouth be anyway?

Then we’d all feast on a Navajo meal of frybread and mutton stew.

However, I have feeling Welcome to Hell would throw the food around the hogan which would offend all of our guests. Then Welcome to Hell in compact disc form would pull itself out of its jewel case and run around with only its bare disk self. I even bet the vinyl album would pull itself in and out, in and out of its sleeve and say to all of the guests, “Get a load of this!”

And that’s how my family, guests and all the holy Navajo beings would be introduced to my new spouse, Welcome to Hell.

I don’t know maybe this isn’t a good idea.

Maybe Welcome to Hell could be a great mistress instead just like Metallica’s $5.98 EP and Pantera’s Far Beyond Driven and Black Sabbath’s Volume 4.

Wait, could I just marry all of those albums?

I don’t know — I better not ask my wife.


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