What to Expect When You’re Expecting
All advice is suspect, though I offer this reminder:
before you were born, you too were an abomination,
coated with lanugo, your basic layer of wolf fur.
Downy they promised, but really: a pelt, a snowless dark
eaten after unceremonious molting, the final exit
fecal in nature. Remember that all babies are also
grown inside a pee bag. It’s a common fetish,
harmless but unsettling. What kind of creature
inhales what it expels? What a sense of economy.
Jumpstart your brain by picturing his
kicks as part-poltergeist, part-
live wire — like Frankenstein, but the scale is
miniature. Today, your baby is the size of one
nurseryweb spider. (If your baby has excess
offshoots, you have some things to consider.
(Please don’t hesitate to ask your doctor
questions about all your terrible options.)
Remember: 60 % of your child is
shared DNA with the common banana,
turning — we hope — the cannibalism fear
upon its head. 99% of a human is also the bonobo,
who has been observed French kissing, refusing
xenophobia by boning face-to-face with strangers.
Yen, we know, is our lingua franca, evident soon after birth.
Zoology is the crassest science. (Read the baby books about animals.)
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