in which my body is not disastrous
i like to believe people
do what they think is right.
i do not always know
what is right. it is spring,
and today i watched a figure throw
a frisbee alone in an open field,
which is how it has been
these months: my body, escaping me,
creating a game out of loss and longing
for retrieval. by so many,
i have been told to be cautious
with what could be kindness, warned
it could subsume me. i do not
think that sounds so terrible
— and yes, i understand this
proves their point. yet i wish
i could yield, too, to my fury.
let it stretch and settle
within me without flinching
at the strange shards in my mind,
the image into which they arrange themselves
still indecipherable. this loving rage:
a room — vast and beautiful — i exit
and return to, finding the door is locked.
i knock and knock. all I want: to be
undone in a way that is not disastrous.
to surrender to that ruin,
which is not really ruin, inside me. the sky
undoes me. the edge of that field —
about the author