After the RN Warns Me About the Blood
—so much the pap smear might not be able to catch cancer—after I push
myself onto my elbows alone in the room and try to clean
off the red smudged across my belly, after the masked phlebotomist
cinches a strip of black medical tape around my arm and tells me
her plans to go home and cook dinner with her brother
when her shift is done in five minutes, after I keep thinking
about the nurse who offered to sterilize me because I knew best
if I wanted another soft fontanelle breaking
into the world through me, after I fold my diagnosis
of menhorragia, > three months and walk almost all the way home
by the highway during the 4:30pm Friday rush hour, after a man
with a rattlesnake tattoo gives me a ride the rest of the way,
after I don’t tell my mother, after I walk to work the following Monday
on a sidewalk so slick with wet pink petals I nearly slip
on their sweet skin, after I crouch in my office
with the door closed and open my knees
to try to push the clots through, after I watch a young man
in glasses wrestle and sweat to plant young plum trees
in the parking lot median, after I think about
my compromised immune system holding me open
to each thing that could kill me—each way someone doesn’t care enough
about this to change some small thing in their day,
in the way their palms or their breath touch—after I start crying
into my keyboard, after my boss offers to drive me home
and admits he was not well sheltering in place this winter
either, after he says it is okay not to be okay,
after he tells me to sleep in a dark room and take the next day off
too if needed, after I put my arm across my eyes
and remember dancing with girls in the armory, how I saw
my pale face nerveless and remote as a moon in the bathroom lights,
after I remember the girl who kissed each of her palms
and pressed them to my cheeks, after I remember
the six-foot-five boy who cupped his gentle hands
like two halves of a pomegranate when he sat
on the edge of my roommate’s bed, after I remember
hearing he was gone, when I had to pull over
onto the dirt shoulder of the road
beneath the billboard with Jesus on one side
and a pregnant belly on the other
above the field of harvested dusk,
and I remember all the times I begged god
to keep all my friends alive just another hour just another day,
like the words could hold onto the bunched backs of their shirts
and keep them here just like this—stay,
stay with me, please, just another minute—
after I name each thing I can’t save
but before the results come back
I text you: please tell me
you’re on your way.