All Mine - Burning Haibun
after torrin a. greathouse
it isn’t his fault / the first time I graduate to needles / he holds it / had the experience / I want to share this experience / the sizzle of what would later make me / salivate / drowned out by the traffic / from the road just outside / our empty parking garage off South Congress / the foul smell of vinegar drowning / in the brown murky water / maybe this isn’t a good idea / but it looks like something out of a movie / rolled up long sleeves / ripped jeans / a crumpled hoodie / in the backseat / I need to feel / like I am his drug of choice / I need to not feel / so needy / a desperate synapse / he asks / are you sure / I don’t know / how much we will lose / fearful / I say / Yes. Please. / I had always wanted this / to share a trauma / something / to cry about without being a victim / he would later ask / why I never left / it is about as rational / as love & drug abuse / it was just me wanting / the irrelevant world around us to disappear / time to stop so we could get lost / in this moment that would drag on / for years before we never talked / about this moment again / I try / to tell him I’m sorry for his guilt / I’m grateful for the nothing & everything / we shared / not sorry for the history / all too sorry for consuming instead of consoling / wasn’t it better together / I knew / for me / the first time wouldn’t be the last time / & still / I do not blame him / he helped me love myself / by helping me lose myself / I helped him see that it was possible / for someone to love him / unconditionally
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wanted to share this experience / the sizzle of what would later / make me salivate / smell of vinegar drowning / in the brown hoodie / it was fall / in the backseat / we would fall into each other / I need to feel like I was his drug of choice / I needed to not feel so needy / so desperate to be the synapse / he asked are you sure / I didn’t know / how much we will lose / each other / ourselves 10 years of fear less / I said / Yes. Please. / I had always wanted this / to er left / it was about as rational / as love & drug abuse / it was just me wanting / the irrelevant world around us to disappear / time to stop so we could get lost / in this moment that would drag on / for years before we never talked / about this moment again / I’ve tried / to tell him I’m sorry for his guilt / I would’m grateful for the nothing & everything / we shared / not sorry for the history / all too sorry for consuming instead of consoling / e the last time / & still / I do not blame him / he helped me love myself / by helping me lose myself / I helped him see that it was possible / for someone to love him / unconditionally
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his fault / the first time I graduated to needles / he held it / time to stop so we could get lost / in this moment that me wanting / the irrelevant world everything / we shared / we for consuming instead of consoling / e the last time / & still / I do not blame him / he helped me love myself / by helping me lose myself / I helped him see that it was
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