I’m Dead: A Translation

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When you say I’m dying, you mean that’s funny

in an academic sense. When you say

I’m dead, you mean, okay, that’s actually

pretty funny. Imagine means I see you, queen,

in your fishnets and steel-toed boots, saying yes

when you never mean yes, tastefully

over-drinking at the Rufus Wainwright concert.

When Rufus plays Going to a Town, when he sings

I’m so tired of you, America, you watch me cry

into my white wine, tragic queen, tired queen.

Me, you say, meaning you and me both.

The 5^th-century Greek painter Zeuxis died of laughter

gazing upon his own painting of an old woman.

And Thomas Urquart, the Scottish aristocrat,

first translator of Rabelais, died laughing

when he heard Charles II was king.

You say, lol classic masculinity, and mean

I do not recognize myself in history.

I say, right?! and mean

I was only taught not to be me.

You say queer narrative and mean you recognize

yourself in the text. I say queer and mean

I am trying, despite everything, to be

recognizable. You say the queer shows and mean

this recognition is dangerous. I say the queer

shows and mean my father spoke football

and microbrews and didn’t ever see me.

You say I think that’s about daddy issues.

I say it might actually be uncle issues,

what we inherit from our elders, a love

of Janet Jackson, Sade, leather notebooks,

a road trip with a screwdriver between my knees.

It’s that my uncle was more dad than Dad,

handing over the keys, cranking Britney’s Toxic

as I sped around the parking lot. It’s all so

deadly, how that queen broke my heart,

threatening to die. When I say I love you

I mean, I know what America does to men.

I’m so very fucking angry with you for dying.

When I say you, I mean him.

When I say him, I mean, actually—I am him.

You’re killing me, we used to say as kids,

you’re killing me, Smalls. I’m dying of laughter,

it’s tragic. I sing while Rufus sings. Nothing’s

gonna change my world. Nothing’s gonna

change my world. You say representation, and you mean

there is a way to teach this, to be someone

who teaches against death. You say I’m dying,

and mean I’m dying. You say iconic, and you mean

Paris Is Burning, you mean Orlando, you mean

the queer narratives are dying. You say dead

and you are dying, I am dying, I say

you are iconic you are tasteful you are dead

you are narrative you are dying I am dying!

Don’t, icon, queen—promise me—don’t.